SOMEONE, please
What really happens when you settle down? Certainly, the champagne and caviar can’t last forever… Come on, tell me the truth. If y’all don’t, well… My single girlfriends are dwindling, my sisters are married—I’m afraid no one will tell me the essentials, the things I don’t want to hear but must. Everyone gives me a different story: good and lovely or nasty and ugly, uplifting or gut-wrenching, complete or broken, unbearable or joyous. In vino veritas? Fine, I’ll send each of you a bottle or two of wine, just please tell me what goes on behind the dense, seemingly impassable, mahogany doors of matrimony.
I want to know the truth about looking at your partner and feeling complete, turning on your side at night and not wanting them to touch you, catching a glimpse of them across the room at a crowded party and wondering how the dear Lord bestowed you with so many blessings, kissing them goodbye at the subway platform and wishing they would never come home… Is it really that good? Do things actually get that bad?
February 8th, 2006 at 8:40 am
It is really that good, and it is really that bad.
I was complete before I met Guy.
When I met him, I knew that he was the one and hoped that he would feel the same.
I have been so angry with him that I left the house, slamming the door behind me, and drove to the beach - where I stayed the night. In the morning, I went home.
I went home because I love him and I want a life with him. I want our life.
Even though I get sometimes get completely, insanely pissed at him, I want to be with him. We talk and work out our anger. I absolutely refuse to not resolve our differences. We communicate, albeit in very different ways.
Maybe that is the trick, respecting the way your partner communicates. Guy does not show his love for me in the way I show my love for him. He is demonstrative, and I am verbal. I appreciate the subtleties of his character.
As boring as this may sound, Guy once bought new windshield wipers for my car because he noticed that mine were looking shoddy. Sound mundane? Possibly. But I knew that was his way of showing me that he loves me. Lest I give you the wrong idea, Guy does tell me that he loves me, but he does things (like the wipers) that could easily be overlooked. Every January, he buys me tulips because they’re my favorite flower. If he’s been at the mall, he’ll bring home one key lime truffle from Godiva, because it is my favorite. He does a millions little things that matter more to me than one big something ever could.
Sometimes, love is a choice. It is seeing past the moment and looking at the big picture.
I do not spend each waking moment consumed by my love for Guy. Sometimes, I search for my love for him because I get so caught up in the business of making a living, that I forget. Does that sound awful? I suppose it is, but its true.
However, when I look at his face, or stare into his eyes, or watch him read the paper, or get dressed in the morning, or take a shower in the evening, or mow the lawn, I am struck by his quiet awesomeness.
Even after seven years, our togetherness sometimes takes my breath away. And? Sometimes it makes me want to throw up. The real relationship is everything in between. That’s the way it really is – for me.
February 8th, 2006 at 8:54 am
Marriage doesn’t change who you are or what you will do down the road. It is give-and-take and most people just want to take.
I was married at 21 and still finished college and traveled (some with him, some with friends)and we still do wonderful fun things together.
We will be married 18 years but just 6 years ago we decided to have children. Children change your life. Children can make you change who you are and what you will do down the road and it can change the dynamics of your marriage (buying more plastic gallons of milk and less wine bottles). It’s all good.
February 8th, 2006 at 9:05 am
It doesn’t have to get bad, only if you let it.
I have been married for 16 years and the love that was there the day we were married is still there. I feel it grow stronger with each passing day.
Marriage is work, it’s not easy. There are ebbs and flows.
A wise professor told me that marriage is like two parallel lines. Sometimes the lines are close and other times they are farther apart. The key, is that they keep coming back to each other.
There are times when I look out the window to see my husband working in the yard. I think to myself how lucky I am to have found a good person that loves me with all my faults.
We have never put anything or anyone above our marriage. WE always came first.
Hope this helps you out.
February 8th, 2006 at 9:10 am
Belle, belle, belle–are you sure you want to know? While I’m not officially married yet (that happens in October), I have been living with my fiance for a year.
I’m going to make an effort to state this simply-
Basically living with someone that is your forever and always tests all of your boundaries..all the time.
This person is there in the morning, at night when you get home, every weekend–and if like me you don’t know very many people where you live, you spend ALL of your time together.
As much as you love him 5 states away, you have no idea what his quirks and habits are–or if you see them, it doesn’t register that you’re going to see them all the time, every single day.
This is what you have to prepare yourself for–the constant presence.
The best word of advice I can give you is…compromise. That is the key. Be willing (even if you’re stubborn as a mule-like me)to get over some things you can live with and you’ll be fine.
February 8th, 2006 at 9:15 am
No Belle, it doesn’t have to be that bad. It only gets that way if you let it.
I have been married for 16 years and I love my husband more with each passing day.
It has been a series of ebbs and flows, and it is work - hard work.
A wise professor once told me that marriage is like two parallel lines. As time passes the lines become close, then they grow farther apart. The key is that they keep coming back to each other.
There is not a day that goes by that I don’t talk to him sometime during the day. It’s the little thoughtful actions that let your loved one know you are thinking about them.
There are also times when you don’t want them touching you - I will be honest with you, I am in one of those funks right now. I’ve been there before and we work through it - I do it because I love him.
Marriage is also about forgiveness. No one is perfect. I have done things that have disappointed him and he has done the same, but we talked through it and forgave.
Oh well, enough of the mushy stuff. Sounds like things with Southern Boy Jamie are going well
February 8th, 2006 at 9:19 am
Oh, Belle. These questions are like looking into a dark cave and waiting for the boogey man to come out of the dark. You wonder if he is as big and scary as your imagination has made him, if you can handle the fear. I’ve just called off an engagement — and from the sounds of things, an engagement is impending for you and Jamie. Don’t be afraid of the dark. Remember — it’s TWO of you against the fears that hide in the night.
February 8th, 2006 at 9:58 am
Marriage is wonderful at first. You are reeling on the thrill of being a Mrs. and your new domestic life. Then the real work sets in. Doubt of whether you have made the right decision seeps in at times, but then other times you marvel at the beauty of your love. I have been married four years and when I look at my husband across the room in public, he still takes my breath away. Children bring wonderful things as well as trying times for your marriage. When my son was born I felt more love for my husband. It was almost like my heart swelled and allowed him in more. Finding the perfect balance is one of the hardest things and marveling in your husband’s faults is the triumph of a lifetime.
February 8th, 2006 at 10:22 am
The wild lust may fade after a couple of years, but something else happens. Your partnership grows and your experiences fuse together celebrating through the highs and supporting each other through the lows. For some I think it is bad, but for others it began as enchantment and will always remain so. I’ve been married for two and half years and absolutely adore my husband.
February 8th, 2006 at 10:45 am
Everyone tells you a different story because everyone’s story is different.
I can’t tell you a thing about marriage in the abstract because it’s the least abstract thing there is.
I can tell you about my marriage to my wife, but you’re not me, nor are you contemplating marriage to my wife!
Do you know who you are? Who is he? Do you love him anyway? Does he love you anyway?
A dozen years in, I can’t believe my luck every day.
February 8th, 2006 at 10:57 am
Hmm. Can’t contribute too much there, being a single gal in the city myself. BUT, I did have an interesting conversation with a newly married/mothered female friend that might shed some light on that subject. You can find it here:
http://theoriginalblowersdaugtr.blogspot.com/2006/02/attack-of-baby-photographs.html
enjoy …
Elle
February 8th, 2006 at 11:50 am
All of these things and more. It’s leaving on a trip and coming home to home, not a house.
Its being the most irritated you’ve ever been but missing him/her after you’re apart a day or 2.
Be happy you’ve got the chance to make the full committment…it’s not that hard to make, and not that hard to keep. If you doubt at times it’s ok because that’s human. But do nothing you feel you’ll REGRET. Regret cannot be fixed.
I lost my other half 2 months ago after 24 years. I have nothing to regret but no more time.
February 8th, 2006 at 11:56 am
unfortunately, I haven’t found that yet..but if you’re desperate, I can let you talk to my mom. My parents have been together for 34 years, and are still in love. I hope they turn into one of those old couples that are like 90 and still hold hands.
I know you must feel like you’re looking into the abyss–but don’t be afraid to take the leap into the unknown!
February 8th, 2006 at 12:13 pm
Belle –
When its good, its real good. When its bad, its not that bad. Yes, the champagne and caviar stage does not last forever. It can’t. It may reappear for a day here or a long weekend there but it is no longer a constant presence.
It becomes more like that old favorite sweater in the closet. You know the one … it was your favorite. Now, its still warm and comfortable and makes you feel good. It reminds you of when it was new and “hot”. How good you looked … how perfect that sweater was when you brought it home the first time. Now, you’ve gained a little weight and its tight on you. The sweater is slightly frayed now but you don’t really care — to you, it still looks fantastic. But you have to constantly remind yourself to take care of it, give it attention or it will disintegrate into nothing. If that were to happen, there is no way to get it back … it will be gone forever. And that would be a tragedy.
February 8th, 2006 at 12:20 pm
Yes, it really is both. higgrongrin says it all….and someone said that there is a thin line between love and hate…both equally strong emotions but fueled by events, situations, passions. Live and love to your utmost capacity and fuel the love.
February 8th, 2006 at 12:52 pm
Well I’m not a married man, so I cant offer any marriage advice, except for this… Our lives change with every breath we take. Good things and bad things can and will happen to us. But it’s how we deal with it that’s most important.
February 8th, 2006 at 1:24 pm
make sure you get a place with two bathrooms, it helps
February 8th, 2006 at 1:44 pm
Dear Belle,
forgive me for the length of this comment.
I hope this helps you.
Travis and I have been “together” since our senior year in high school. We were married on October 14, 2005 - it was our 6 year anniversary.
I love Travis more today than I ever have, and tomorrow I will love him more than today.
Though we have no children(yet), we have a family and a life together that I absolutely cherish.
Every relationship is different - but they all have the same stages.
Here is what I came up with based upon my own relationship and the relationships of those close to me.
The first year is LOVE LOVE LOVE - all love all the time, you gain weight because you are either: eating out all the time OR staying home and being lazy with your significant other who is the only one who matters right now.
The second year is good, most of the kinks are worked out - but now is the time when you start thinking about where this is going? how important it is to you? Get engaged or break up?
The third year is the hardest, if you are still together you continue to dwell on whether or not this is going anywhere and it drives you MAD and you end up picking fights over nothing or taking a break from eachother. If you are engaged eveything is stressful because you are planning the wedding and both of you are at eachothers throats about everything from shades of peach to putting the dishes away correctly.
The third year is make em’ or break em’ time.
If you make it to the fourth year -it’s even better than the first. most things are worked out you are working on moving forward and building a life together. you are closer than ever from having overcome all the obstacles of life and relationships - together.
it keeps getting better from there on out. There are of course ups and downs and everyone has doubts (is he the right guy? am I doing the right thing? what if it doesn’t work out?)
If you do what feels right to you and you are happy - then that’s all that matters.
Marriage is a partnership. You are a team building a life together. That’s why your spouse means so much to you and the love never stops - because you are still there for eachother and your get to live the life you built - together. You experience all the milestones - together. Children, Careers, Family, Hardships, Houses etc…
It means so much more when you get to celebrate the good things together and so much more helpful when you know there is always that someone helping you through and supporting you during the hard times.
It’s the little things AND the big things.
It’s all wonderful when you have someone there holding your hand, looking at you and simply saying “I know.”
February 8th, 2006 at 4:42 pm
i m never gettin married
February 8th, 2006 at 4:50 pm
T & I won’t be officially married until the end of May, but we have “lived in sin” (as my mother-dear likes to call it) for almost three years now.
There are ups and there are downs…but I’ve never wanted to wake up without him by my side. I think, in the end, it’s all about compromise (I go to boat shows; he comes to Broadway plays)…and not losing yourself in the relationship. What makes you, well, you is what makes the “us” so great.
Oh–the most important thing to a happy relationship/marriage–and I cannot emphasize this enough:
Separate bathrooms! Trust me on this…
February 8th, 2006 at 5:21 pm
Higgrongrin nailed it. I’ve been happily married for 11 years. In my opinion, if you have to put this much thought into whether or not he’s The One for you, he’s not.
I think it’s that simple.
With mine, I just knew. I woke up with him next to me one day and I knew I wanted to wake up with him for the rest of my life.
The passion has cooled, yes. We get on each other’s last nerve, yes. There are nights when I don’t want him to touch me, I just want to be left alone. But that’s life. And times like that pass. We love each other so deeply, we cannot imagine life without each other. It’s sounds so cliched but he begins where I end. We are best friends, with benefits, for life.
February 8th, 2006 at 5:31 pm
looking great in that magazine spread, Belle. xx
February 8th, 2006 at 5:37 pm
have nothing to add, but want to thank everyone for your very honest feedback. I needed to hear it right now too.
Good luck, Belle!
February 8th, 2006 at 7:26 pm
I’m not saying that these are your sole reasons for thinking about marriage, but you *did* put them on your site… one should NOT marry because her single girlfriends are dwindling or because her sisters are married.
I’m not a cynical person, but keep in mind that marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Take this one very seriously!
Best of luck to one beautiful couple,
Sarah
February 8th, 2006 at 8:03 pm
I have been married for 21 years. Our cement has been that we really believed God (you may want to say the Universe) put us together. We have loved intensely. We have hated immensely. We have laughed, cried, and fought. The blending of two stong wills is not easy.
The beginning of love is magical. It is the discovery of your other half. The completion of your thoughts, the interpetation of your dreams.
Then the stage of agitation. “Why isn’t he more like me? Why doesn’t he respond to life like I do?”
Then, there is the acceptance period. “Okay, he is not me. I can accept that.”
Then, you grow into appreciating his differences. And where you are weak, he is strong. Where you are strong, he is weak. The two make a better one.
The lust dies. Sorry, but it just does.
The higher call of love can keep growing. It takes commitment. It is NOT easy. Is it worth it? Oh, yes, a million times. You go back to the basics. To the values. To the core of who they are and who you are.
I have evaluated my vows. For better or worse. For richer or poorer. In sickness or health. I have been tested on all counts.
He had a stroke. He lost his business. He doubted my fidelty. We stupidly only had one child (have lots of babies as they are the elixir of life).
He snores so much I can no longer sleep with him. I never thought I would sleep in the bed alone.
But, I am not in the HOUSE alone.
He, today, is my number one fan. He is kind, affirming and still so in love with me.
I did not anticipate all the struggles we would go through. Would I marry him again? Oh, YES.
Money and fame are lots of fun. No substitute for love and kindness.
When you said “You make me so sad”, I know that sadness. He has had a stroke. Lost his very successful business. I am a hairdresser and now support us, because he cannot. But when I get up in the morning and have not made my salad for work, guess who makes it? When my makeup is not on and my hair looks like Hell, guess who still thinks I am beautiful?
If he loves you in your darkest, most failing moments, he really loves you.
Marriage is not easy. But what endeavor that yields great results is?
My best to you and the man that loves you so much.
February 8th, 2006 at 10:59 pm
What really happens is between you and the other person, sweets. As they say, “No one really knows what goes on bewteen two people in a relationship”.
If you both are committed to creating a life together and you realize that life is just that–life–and not a movie, then you will be patient and kind to one another when you just want to scream, you will remember to make time for one another when careers, friends, family and babies are pulling you in opposite directions, you will bury jealousy and lift up laughter, and you will do crazy things to keep the passion alive and then laugh together about having to resort to such tactics.
And, even if you do all of that, there will still be days when you turn on your side away, but what is life without the peaks and valleys?
If there’s an engagement brewing, I BETTER hear about it. xoxo
February 9th, 2006 at 3:15 am
Belle,
What can I say Marriage is good and bad. Where can one start, I am 25 and been married for about a year and a half. With him for almost 9 years now.
It’s a pipe dream if you think it will be perfect. And sometimes you yourself can be your worst enemie, you want to let some arguments slide and then you can get angry over where the coffee cup was left and then you don’t even know why you argued in the first place.
I honestly feel like the sex is different, hey, my opinion. It feels safe. The arguments can be bigger though because well you know they aren’t going anywhere so you make the argument bigger because you just want them to get out of your face.
In-Laws are the DEVIL. And I mean this literally. There will never be a time when they are ok. You put your guard down, they seem decent and if so keep them far away for now. They get involved or are too close and you feel your relationship wither away.
But being married is like having a permanent best friend around all the time. The comfort zones come out and I mean treat him like one of the girls and you will be at ease with yourself since he is permanently in your space. But at night when you want to gab and gossip he knows who you are talking about and well since most men aren’t talkers, he’ll just listen.
So really as long as you are sure this is the one. And you should not second guess it for a moment and if you do get out now. It will be just right for YOU. And that is all that matters
February 9th, 2006 at 8:48 am
I don’t know what I can say that hasn’t been said already. It’s between you and him. And how you look at the world.
Yes, the passion cools. It never really ends. But what comes to replace it is nothing short of amazing - it’s such a deep trust, a deeper love, a connection that I can’t quite explain.
Yeah, there’s days I just want to run away and never come back. He drives me THAT crazy. But I know if I did, I’d be back in an hour….
I can’t imagine my life without him in it.
He lets me be -me- as much as he lets me be part of -us- That’s important.
If I can give you any advice:
1) If you can help it at all, DON’T go to bed angry with each other. Even if it’s not resolved, make some peace. Agree to deal with it in the morning. Just don’t got to bed mad.
2) Separate milk. (I like skim, he likes 2%).
February 9th, 2006 at 10:02 am
You’ll storm out and say ‘its over’ at least a dozen times during the first year of full-on… but you’ll turn around at the corner every time and come back for a cuddle.
You’ll think ‘I need my space’ at least once a month and really mean it; but you’ll be devastated and cry like a baby when he goes away on a two day business trip.
February 9th, 2006 at 12:42 pm
it does get really bad and petty. like you’ll fight over who’s gonna take out the trash. or who’s going to do the laundry. but 10 minutes later, you’ll forget what the fight was about while you cuddle together on your vintage-inspired yams-colored sofabed to watch Grey’s Anatomy.
February 9th, 2006 at 9:09 pm
Belle,
Short and sweet: You decide to get married and you decide to stay married. You don’t talk divorce or give each other easy outs. You realize that you are wildly imperfect and so is he. And it helps if you have Jesus at the center of the relationship because He can help fill you with the energy/love/commitment even when the feelings aren’t there. Otherwise it’s like two ticks with no dog. That said, nothing is better than the companionship and love.
And make sure he makes you laugh.
Best,
Beth
February 9th, 2006 at 11:18 pm
Belle,
“Only God knows how to love, kiddo. The rest of us are only good actors. Forget love, try good manners.”–Rebecca Wells in “Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.”
I’ve used this quotation over and over again. It comes down to being nice. Difficult? Absolutely. It is made especially difficult when you share space with someone. Is it worth it? I wouldn’t trade being married to my husband for anything in the world.
February 10th, 2006 at 12:47 pm
I’m 26. My partner and I have been together 8 years and we are now engaged. There is never a day when I don’t miss him. We have little spats at least once a week but I can’t walk away upset. Things always get resolved up front so that there’s no feeling guilty or feeling badly throughout the day. Life is too short for that.
It’s not always easy. There are ups and downs but in the end, I can’t picture my life without him. I sometimes thought the same thing but at a certain point, you’ll know. Something in you changes and you just know that life will not be the same without him. Even if the times are not always great.
February 10th, 2006 at 5:13 pm
It’s work, but it’s fun. Right after we got married ALL of our married friends warned us that the first year of marriage is really hard. We’re trying to figure out what they all meant. The only thing we can figure is that these friends of ours didn’t realize that marriage is work every day. We’re working at it, but we don’t consider it difficult and we don’t consider cutting and running. In fact, we decided to never even use the “d” word, joking or fighting, because there is no back door out. I mess up, and so does he, but we’re both trying to be good spouses and we’re getting better at it. But being a “wife” is very different than being a “girlfriend” or even a “fiancé”. People not realizing that is probably one of the reasons so many young marriages end in divorce. Everyday I strive to be a better wife, and he a better husband. Taking care of eachother is our number one job. It seems like most of the time that either of us yells is over either (1) something stupid that is irritating but not something that really makes us MAD, or (2) an issue where we feel that we are trying to help, look out for, or otherwise take good care of the other. That’s not really fighting or yelling to me, it’s love (albeit sometimes loud and angry-sounding!!)
February 12th, 2006 at 6:43 am
Hey. I’m not married or anything.. but I can share some long distance to normal advice.. my boyfriend and I had a long distance relationship (he’s european, i’m american) for 2 years, then I moved here this year to go to school (i’m in europe) and live with him (and his mom, who’s not around much). It hasn’t been easy going from seeing eachother twice a year to every day… we’ve had our fights. he’s had his doubts, i’ve had mine. sometimes he’s sooooooo annoying, and sometimes I’m sooooooo annoying too. and then I realize a little while later, that i love his annoying parts too. it hasn’t been an easy year for us… but i wouldn’t trade it, or being with him forever, for anything. Why? Because I love him, and all his faults (even the annoying ones), and I know he makes me a better person. I wouldn’t trade him for anybody, or anything. and though difficult at times, it’s wonderful to know that despite everything we’ve been able to stay together, talk things out, be happy, and love eachother. And I know that we have what it takes to face reality, together, no matter what. That’s what matters. Is this guy the one for you? Only you know. Follow your heart.
mindy
p.s. the don’t go to bed angry rule? I think that depends on the people. For me, I may go to bed “angry” (more annoyed than angry) but for me, I need my space to cool down, which happens over night. I think its okay to be angry when you sleep… just remember to talk it out in the morning… or agree to talk it out in the morning too… fights happen, the important thing is to know you love eachother and that you’ll work the fight out.
February 12th, 2006 at 12:41 pm
I’m not a “fairy tale” and “soulmates” kinda gal. I’ve been married for two years to a wonderful fella. But before I said “I do,” I went through many emotions. Even though my fiance (now husband) has only ever been kind and thoughtful to me, in the back of my mind I have accepted that there may come a day where we cross paths with an issue we can not resolve. And should that happen, D-I-V-O-R-C-E is aboslutely a possibility. Do I think about that every day now that I’m married? No. Definitely not. Our good days are more frequent than our bad days. But I’ve always been a believer in myself. And I will always be myself. Even though I am happily married, I am not a “we.” And if one day I don’t have the husband, I know I will still have happy days, as well as bad days.
Bottom line… Know as much as you can about yourself before you get married. And realize that you or your partner may change who you are as you move through life together. And you may not be together for the rest of your life. Life is full of possibilities. Only you are in control of your happiness. Married or not.