Doe a Deer…
The cousins named a deer after me–Little Belle. She’s probably the fawn that runs ahead of the doe, gets lost in the woods, subsequently finds her way and then dreams about the hours, minutes, seconds, days that she spent alone. The little brain and big, wide eyes can’t really recollect or see the days for what they were. I am the deer and the deer is me and the cold twilight and loneliness have a habit of being romanticized and turned into times of exploration and self-actualization.
I want to change.
I want to see things for what they really are. I don’t want to deify, glorify or over conceptualize things from my past. Zora Neale Hurston said, “There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” This year–right this very moment!–I want to realize the beauties before me, the blessings that have been handed down (from somewhere–from above?). I don’t want to look back with the requisite misty eyes and wish that I were still single instead of with Southern Boy, that I were living in Trastevere, Rome instead of SoHo, New York, that I were writing news scripts for broadcasts instead of chapters for a novel. I want to live in the here and now.
Ms. Hurston would have claimed these past twelve months to be my Year of Answers. In the same manner, Truman Capote would have said that this was my year of Answered Prayers. I fell in love with a beautiful loving soul (a man that I had heretofore only known in my most ambitious daytime reveries), I pursued my passion for writing and actually achieved my dream, I grew closer to my family.
I’m out of the woods. I’m on the right path. I’m experiencing a wonderful time in my life… which probably means that the cousins are up in the tree stand, aiming to shoot me, stuff me, mount me on the bedroom wall.
Damn, there I go again.
November 26th, 2005 at 12:07 am
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November 26th, 2005 at 12:10 am
How well you write dear.
November 26th, 2005 at 10:48 am
I wish you well in your writing
November 26th, 2005 at 10:57 pm
Seeking reality is always a thing of pain/pleasure primarily because reality is a thing of perception. Knowledge and wisdom act to clarify things somewhat, but soon enough that changes also. Good luck in your quest for the Tao…
November 26th, 2005 at 11:04 pm
Good for you.
Because I still find myself ruminating over the same questions, and not doing anything about it.
Sometimes, in life, the pieces just fall together. And how wonderful it is to remember that because we spend too much of our time (often) writing/talking about all the pieces falling apart.
~Jae
November 26th, 2005 at 11:05 pm
as in “…Buddhist Emptiness, which is about the inaccuracy of our perceptions of relativity and the fictional objects that are created from that misunderstanding.”
Peace, Joy, Love.
November 27th, 2005 at 8:13 am
In other words, um, be here now?
November 27th, 2005 at 4:23 pm
“nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so…”
nothing is but thinking makes it…
keep thinking…
try not to listen for the bullet… it may never come.
November 27th, 2005 at 9:06 pm
Hmmm, well said as always. I hope this year will be my Year of Answers, but it feels like the Year of Anger instead…:) Maybe I’m just impatient with questions?
November 28th, 2005 at 10:31 am
Hi Belle! This is my first time commenting, but I’ve been reading often!
I think gratitude is the toughest thing of all…cuz what’s wrong with striving/bettering oneself, wanting more…
This quote by Regina Sara Ryan always inspires me because I’m an analyzer by nature: Another reason we turn logical with our gratitude is that it is terrifying. The wonder of a moment in which there is nothing but an upwelling of simple happiness is utterly awesome. Gratitude is so close to the bone of life, pure and true, that it instantly stops the rational mind, and all its planning and plotting. That kind of let go is fiercely threatening. I mean, where might such gratitude end?
November 28th, 2005 at 2:01 pm
This brings to mind a lyric from an Ani Difranco song:
“They say gold fish have no memory; I guess their lives are much like mine–and the little, plastic castle is a surprise everytime.”
I always thought that was a nice reminder to see things with a fresh eye every single time…
Lesson learned: try to be the goldfish and not the deer. Hmmm… I’m speaking in fortune cookies. In which case: try to be the goldfish and not the deer (in bed). Even more profound.
November 28th, 2005 at 6:22 pm
I usually hold on to memories to keep the past alive OR I visualise my goals for the future & somewhere, without me realising it, the bounty & goodness wrapped up in the “here & now”, the PRESENT, slips throug my fingers like sand… Never to be found again. I have to remind myself: TODAY will be TOMORROW’S MEMORIES(YESTERDAY).
Savour this time in your life. CARPE DIEM!
November 29th, 2005 at 11:19 pm
See, A.R.! Belle loves Hurston too!
Very enlightening, Belle. Keep it up.
November 30th, 2005 at 4:31 pm
LOL! It is deer hunting season isn’t it?
I reccommend looking deeply at the here and now. I have found that usually all it takes is spending a moment in the noticing to bring gratitude and true pleasure. Enjoy..life is short and change comes quickly..
those darn cousins!