Mamma’s Right Wing Loves
“Damn Clinton and his privates!” Mamma declared in a rage. “The Arabs wouldn’t have had a chance in hell if our President—the leader of the free world—had behaved like a diplomat instead of a sex-crazed Sigma Alpha Epsilon brother. He’s up there in the Oval Orifice with a Cheshire cat grin smeared across his face concentrating on his willard instead of on national security and foreign policy.” She had vented—a pearl of sweat forming on her brow line in the process—but it had been brief, a mere moment of undignified behavior. Mamma quickly collected herself, adjusting the starched collar of her pink Lacoste tennis dress, tweaking her gold earrings for reassurance.
“I think you’ve gotta thing for ol’ Clinton and you’re just afraid to admit it,” I teased, glancing at her over the top of my People magazine. Mamma was poised on the divan by the picture window, engaged in one of her favorite pastimes, right-wing website surfing. The absurdity of her sleek, silver Dell laptop amidst the antique furnishings of her Alexandra Mauve sitting room was lost on Mamma. Our decorator had gone to great pains to duplicate the Czarina’s wall color for her—the last Russian Czar, Nicholas II, and his wife Alexandra were her obsession. Something about their tragic demise enthralled her. Really, the fall of anything captivated Mamma’s imagination—her Confederate Complex, I called it. As a member of the landed, Southern bourgeoisie, Mamma used to cite the War of Northern Aggression (never, ever referred to as the Civil War) as the most disastrous moment in our nation’s history. Then, along came Clinton.
“Really, Mamma,” I pressed on, trying to get her riled up, “the way you get so agitated… Are you sure you don’t have a crush on Slick Willie?”
Motionless, she sat there amid her purple, pondering the ruin of her country at my hands. Mamma was predisposed to hyperbole, dramatics—ruinous thoughts—all the while sitting perfectly still, a gorgeous smile spread across her face. Such theatrics didn’t make her disingenuous—quite the contrary—she was the most real, 55 year-old child I had ever known.
“Oh, come on now,” I continued, “he was happy as a pig in slop during his two terms—let it be.” My absurd statement wasn’t any fun unless she blushed, scratched the side of her neck in discomfort. “We inherited a damn fine economy on account of him and his so-called depraved, left-wing policies. Does it really matter who he slept with?”
“I never thought I’d raise a child with such loose morals,” Mamma said, her jaw tensing, jamming down the space bar with her long index fingernail. Her vein, our vein—from brow to hairline, smack in the middle of the forehead—pulsated quick and blue, the one feature we shared. We were in a race to the finish, blue blood pounding away.
“Rush warned us that the liberal media machine would infect our youth. Cancer, he called it—one big, fat malignant tumor teeming with Yankee talking heads. They’re going to get you Belle, ravage you with their idealistic rhetoric until you’ve elected another gonorrhea-riddled, cocaine-snortin’ Democrat into office.”
Our household revolved around conservative talk radio and internet. Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Matt Drudge were the golden trifecta, beguiling Mamma for at least six hours a day. George Will and his musings entered the picture at night—the Fabio of her political fantasies. Mamma had plenty of right-wing love to go around.
“Here’s an idea,” I said, thickening and elongating every vowel, extracting consonants. The accent always deepened when I spoke to mother on important issues. “Why don’t we resume this conversation in two years when Little Dubya’s first term is over? You know, take a step back, evaluate the two men and their presidential legacies.”
“Game on,” she said, for a moment sounding like one of those Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity brothers. “If my George’s legacy beats Clinton’s, you’ll go and work for the media outlet of my choosing—”
“And, if I win,” I said, cutting her off, “I’ll quit pushing paper for Granddaddy and do whatever the hell I want—in New York City.”
She touched her neck, her gold earrings and resumed trolling the internet for proof that all was right within her conservative world.
October 12th, 2005 at 11:12 am
bless his ha’awrt.
October 12th, 2005 at 11:45 am
Frightening how familiar this sounds. I guess the Southern bourgeoisie are all pretty much alike…
October 12th, 2005 at 12:01 pm
Is your mamma reading this?
October 12th, 2005 at 12:06 pm
Mamma IS reading this and she’s very pleased with how I described both her AND Clinton. Ha! She’s quite a character… have to love her…
October 12th, 2005 at 12:09 pm
Looks like you’ll be sashaying around the Big Apple for a while yet, Belle!!
October 12th, 2005 at 1:35 pm
A brilliant return. The thing is, conservatives are actually impressed by Dubya results.
I’m a Republican, more of a McCain / Giuliani northern type, and I just don’t get it. I think Dubya will go down as 1 of the worst presidents in history — and possibly THE worst 2 termer.
October 12th, 2005 at 3:48 pm
I wouldn’t say all conservatives are impressed with Dubya’s results.
As a big ole’ Southern Republican myself, I’m not too impressed at the moment…
October 12th, 2005 at 4:16 pm
Vivid description (and still politically incorrect)! LOL
But Mama wasn’t dissuaded even by Hurricane Katrina?
October 12th, 2005 at 4:25 pm
Katrina doesn’t sway someone like Mamma…
October 12th, 2005 at 6:16 pm
Yay welcome back Belle
. I loved the way you described Mamma.
October 12th, 2005 at 6:57 pm
Great post - and I am happy to see you are in NYC. Dubya is a dunce.
October 12th, 2005 at 9:24 pm
Keep writing girl, keep on awritin…..you’re good!
October 13th, 2005 at 12:11 am
I’m beginning to doubt that you are truly a Southerner. We don’t talk like you are writing. I should know. I’ve lived here all of my life. Not to say you don’t write well….
October 13th, 2005 at 12:31 am
I’m leaning towards the notion that Belle is from the south but uses hyperbolic southerness and sophistication in her stories for literary effect.
It’s like a movie dramatization of actual events– based on a true story, but written to make good TV, or in this case, good reading.
And she might watch Sex in the City.
October 13th, 2005 at 1:10 am
Not that I ever watched Sense and Sensibility, but that’s what came to mind as I read your brrrrilliant entry.
October 13th, 2005 at 10:57 am
Belle,
It hasn’t been until now that I disagreed with you, I must admit I am one of the less extreme people you are talking about in your post regarding Southern Republicans. What I find most revealing is that you touch on the extreme rather than the truth, as if we, the right, don’t have the capacity to make decisions that aren’t based on extreme measures– like Bush, like the war in Iraq, like Supreme Court appointees… Where, in the topics that I’ve mentioned, did Wild Bill Clinton take care of business while he was in office? He refused to take care of Osama and Sadaam when he had the chance, he was so busy getting his knob off that he “forgot” to prepare the White house for any sort of hand off of power- In my view- taking silver and china from the White House– as well as other artifacts is unspeakable. He and Hil did it though… I do agree that Bush did come into this economy on an up turn, but if you’ve ever taken an economics class (one of my fields of study) you’d know that the president has very little to do with our American economy, it is cyclical. I won’t begin to post about the other ‘things’ the Dems have been involved in- because there are lots of unfortunate things that most politicians will/are involved in. I caution you, not to turn a blind eye to everything your mama says. (or the rest of us in the South.) She speaks from experience- and years spent witnessing politicians doing things based on greed and money. She outdates you by some 30 years at least I would guess. She’s lived a lifetime and sees what’s going on. I applaud her listening to the shows you’ve quoted. At least she’s not listening to an EXTREAM liberal media- spin things into a tizzy non-stop. (although I sometimes cant stomach O’reilly, Hannity and Colms, and Chris Mathews,, and last but not least- RUSH. ) They’ve all got their problems. The most important is that you take from your experience up North- the ability to decipher the BS- and form opinions of your own- based on your beliefs and values. The ones that your mama raised you with– IN THE SOUTH. Not the ones that are being imposed on you in the North. There is a balance; you just have to be smart enough to find it.
Amydell
http://beardshalls.blogspot.com/
October 13th, 2005 at 11:13 am
I am true to the south. I bleed purple and gold..not only for LSU, but for the tradition of Mardi Gras as well. …I have had converstaions with Belle, and had the oppertunity to sit down to dinner with her this past weekend..and I must say she is true to the south.
Also, as a recent victim of Katrina (relocated from NOLA 3 weeks ago, due to 12ft. of water), I am very pleased with the way Bush has handled the situation.
I blame our left wing’s that run the govt. in Louisiana for not being prompt, and orderly with thier decisions reguarding the katrina situation…
I could go much deeper into this dicussion, but will not due to my prompt, right wing decision making.
October 13th, 2005 at 11:32 am
welcome back belle! your mamma is quite a character. loved the way you describe the interaction between both of you. the vividness of your posts keep me coming back. don’t lose your touch!
October 13th, 2005 at 2:30 pm
Amydell,
Clinton did attempt to decapitate Al Qaeda. If you remember there was strategic bombing happening during his impeachment proceedings. The republicans cried fould and insisted he was wagging the dog to take the attention away from his impeachment.
Furthermore, Clinton’s wrongs do not make the republicans de facto right. I do not look back on his presidency with any kind of fondness. Him and his wife are populists of the worst sort. It still remains that when Clinton lied nobody died.
October 13th, 2005 at 4:48 pm
all things considered, Ms. Belle, w isnt out boning all the teenagers he can, and w has a backbone…something totally foreign to slickwilly.
Perhaps someone could have done a better job, but w has done better than sw ever did. So far he has not been impeaced either.
I shudder to think the hell that will follow Mrs. SW’s election…and yes, there are people alive stupid enough to vote for her.
No more politics now from me, I like you far too much to argue with you.
October 13th, 2005 at 11:54 pm
rastropovitch,, darlin- the whole reason why you should ‘argue’ with Belle is because you like her,.. Dont you get that? When you like someone- its your duty to show/convince them what is right- and true- not what is exaggerated, distorted and hostile.
October 14th, 2005 at 12:05 am
Adam,
Are you attempting to make an excuse for Clinton and the fact that he could not possibly give full attention to any matters of state while he was BEING IMPEACHED??? OMG.. Dont EVEN go there! Lets go to ’step one’ here and discuss the fact that he WAS BEING IMPEACHED instead of giving full attention to his J.O.B…. I’m so flabergasted with your reply that I cant even decide where to BEGIN to slam you. — so I wont waste my time…
October 14th, 2005 at 7:46 am
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October 14th, 2005 at 9:50 am
Go Amydell! I admit Dubya may have faltered here and there, but at least he is busy trying instead of getting busy and getting impeached. SW may have been a great int’l diplomat, but he had no morals.
As for Hillary–I have no problem with a woman for president, but gawd help us if H gets elected. You’ll be able to reach me at my new home in Switzerland…
October 14th, 2005 at 9:52 am
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October 14th, 2005 at 10:54 am
Mmm - I had un café allongé avec du lait froid … délicieux -
PS Belle - thanks for being the FIRST real person to sign my blog!
Love from Paris xx